ask sid

Got a problem? Question? Racked with guilt and shame? Don't keep it to yourself...don't confide in a capable and experienced counselor or clergy member. Email a cat! Pack up yer troubles in yer old kit bag, make sure ya use plenty o' bubble wrap (Sid loves the stuff) and send 'em to: Sid. Here's this month's samplin' of fabulous feline advice:

From the Siddarchives: Last Issue's Advice...

Dear Sid,
My husband smokes a very strong brand of imported Cuban cigar, and sometimes I find the smell to be a little bothersome. He often smokes them in bed, during dinner, or in our car (He doesn't allow me to open the window). Shall I try dipping them in perfume or citronella?

Well, I think you are overreacting. You married the man, and if your wedding vows are your eternal commitment to a life as a human air filter, so be it. I can remember back when my Zen master would subject me to such interminal torment that your petty situation seems like Club Med. If you really must do something to improve the smell of your husbands stogies, I would choose a smell you and your husband appreciate, since your selfish olfactory needs will affect him more than you. Personally, I would urinate on them. I've also had a certain fondness for the smell of gasoline or lighter fluid. Give those a try.

Dear Sid,
I am a fourteen year old boy and am confused. I recently saw a rerun of "Stir Crazy" and found myself strangely fascinated whenever Gene Wilder appeared. I felt strange feelings in my body. I've been setting my VCR to tape any show or movie with Gene. I watch "Silver Streak" over and over again...What does this mean?

There was a boy who studied with me in monk boot camp named ZaiMa who used to peek under the other boys' robes. I remember the Zen master saying to him: "ZaiMa, the eternal panda does not scuff the temple door except when the cup of LiPhoon is full" (which, loosely translated, means "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve"). ZaiMa did not understand. Eventually the Zen master found him naked in the mediation chambers with a bamboo shoot and chased him away from the monastery with a big stick. He beat us all severely that night, and did not return to a state of inner peace for a full moon. You are following the path of ZaiMa. Of course, ZaiMa became a famous dancer in Thailand and is obscenely wealthy now. Enjoy Mr. Wilder, but why not check out VanDamme, Keanu Reeves or the dashing Peter Falk? (Is it getting hot in here, or it is just me?)

Dear Sid,
I bought a couch from a national home furnishings chain that I am dissatisfied with. It looks beautiful and matches my home decor wonderfully. Unfortunately, the cushions squeak whenever someone sits or stands up. The reactions to this are mortifying. I've even had a guest pinch his nose in disgust when his wife got up from the couch. The store will not refund my money. Whatever shall I do?

Any relation to the charming star of "Burglar"? Must be one of my all-time favorite films besides "My Dinner With Andre". Anyway -- if I still had my claws, I would leave that couch looking like Bill Bixby/Lou Ferrigno's shorts... Why not turn this consumer conundrum to your advantage? Whenever a guest plops down on your couch and the questionable noise resounds, look at your guest and announce "Whew! way to let one rip. Shall I pull your finger next time, Mister Enola Gay?" while fanning the air in front of your face. Your guests are sure to feel uncomfortable and off balance, and you will have the upper hand all evening. If you are lucky, they may leave early. As the koan master DimWan said, "Let not your ankles taste of the plum, for the leeches will stick to them longer".

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