cowcrab compendium

The Legend Of The Great CowCrab

...In some remote region of the Southwest, you may find elders of the lost tribes who remember the legend of the Great CowCrab. For five bucks, they'll probably even tell it to you. You will find this legend carved deep in caves of red stone, where only the brave of heart and true of spirit may seek them out and return with their sanity intact. (For those who are not so brave of heart and true of spirit, it is also written in the Men's Restroom at Vern & Elma's Hideaway Hotel on Route 66, the third stall on your left.)

Back in the days before the electric carriage, piston engine, and the Etch-A-Sketch, little children would gather 'round the campfire to hear the terrifying story of the CowCrab. Many a toddler was frightened to near hysteria by an older and better-liked-by-the-parents sibling sneaking up behind them in the dark and whispering "Moo pinch pinch..moo pinch pinch..." (Which even a child knows is the sound the CowCrab makes.)

Legend tells of the warrior Ramgad the Three-Fingered, (also known as Ramgad the Mighty. Mighty Stupid, That Is) the first (and last) tribesman who tried to milk the Great CowCrab. The story of how Ramgad's severed fingers flew through the air was always an amusing tale to relate to the children while they were eating hot dogs.

Many attempts to lasso the Great CowCrab were made, but though he was slow, there was no rope that could withstand his mighty claw. The tribe hungrily imagined (sigh) what a huge crabcake he would make...bigger than any in all of Maryland. That would take many tepees full of tartar sauce, sho 'nuff!

But it was not to be. No warrior ever captured the Great CowCrab, and to this day he may still be wandering sideways about the plains...

"Moo pinch pinch...moo pinch pinch...moo pinch pinch...moo pinch pinch...moo pinch pinch..."

Cowcrab Compendium: Chapter One


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