cowcrab compendium


The following is a page torn from the journal of Floyd Nelson "Yuba City" Roscoe, a bounty hunter legendary for three things -- his complete disregard for personal hygiene, Olympia, his blue '70 Dodge Dart Swinger (with a chrome "shaker" scoop, air shocks and one green door), and, last but not least, his famed search and darned-near capture of the Great CowCrab...

...There it was -- a velvet painting of that darn Cow Crab! It was just off Rt. 66, at a"Last Gas In 100 Miles" gas station 87.75 miles away from the last "Last Gas In 100 Miles" gas station (so much fer truth in advertisin'.) Was a whole bunch of 'em propped up against the fence next to the pumps. Right in there with Elvis, The Last Supper, a big-eyed Rottweiler, a Spanish conquistador, and some friggin' spooky Salvador-Daliesque landscapes, there she was in livin' color that primitive outline I'd been seein' in my sleep, even after a fifth of Mad Dog. It had to be some kinda sign! After workin' the pump guy's price down to five bucks, I headed off towards Red Rock with that cow paintin' stashed in the back seat along with an ineffectual cooler full o' Yoo-Hoo I'd darn near forgotten all about back in Yuba City. There ain't no tonic in hell like a lukewarm Yoo-Hoo. At least that's what they say back in (a brown stain obliterated most of the page here)

... Shacked up at Vern & Elma's Hideaway Hotel last night. Elma's macaroni & cheese with sliced hot dogs mixed in is really somethin' to write home about. Too bad they didn't have a postcard with a photo of it on. Elma's a hard-lookin' woman, but a real nice lady. Vern don't say much, he just grunts when you ask him fer an extra towel.

The ice machine wasn't workin', so no Yoo-Hoo for me. Woke up in a cold sweat about four a.m. an' coulda swore the light comin' in thru those dusty Venetian blinds looked just like that big CowCrab, splashed across the wall big as -- uh, a big thing. Scared the hell outta me, an' I don't scare easy -- 'specially not over cows. Or crabs, for that matter. This CowCrab's got me spooked as a cat bein' chased by a big dog carryin' a chainsaw.

I'll be one happy Floyd when I catches him, that's for darn sure. Why, I'll sit out on the front step of my double-wide with a nice cold Yoo-Hoo, lookin' out at my llama farm ...

On To Cowcrab Compendium: Chapter Two

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